…the Best Kind of Correct

An oft-quoted phrase is that “Women are the gatekeepers of sex, and men are hte gatekeepers of commitment.”

But this is not really true for commitment or sex.  I have a really hard time imagining how a woman could rape me, while men can generally overpower women.  What stops men from having sex with any woman they want is a combination of their own decency and other men.  For more on this, see Cane’s post.  The point is: men, not women, are the gatekeepers of sex.

The phrase “commitment” is a funny beast.  What’s important to remember is that a commitment is not a commitment unless you burn the boats—when you can’t go back.

Non-marital “relationships” aren’t commitments, because they can be dissolved at will and there’s no real penalty for leaving them.  If I say “Sure, I’ll be your boyfriend,” to a girl and then change my mind the next day, what’s gonna happen to me?  Nothing, that’s what.

Marriage, though…you can leave physically, cheat, whatever—but you are still married to that person.  This isn’t something the state can obviate.  Marriage is the only real commitment.

Who actually makes marriage happen?  Or, who is the gatekeeper?

What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

God performs marriage, through his servants.  If a man and a woman want to get married, and God doesn’t want them to, it won’t happen.

What to take from this?  I’m not sure.  But let’s get our aphorisms straight.


11 comments on “…the Best Kind of Correct

  1. donalgraeme says:

    This has been a subject I’ve been meaning to address for a while. Thanks for reminding me.

    • I’ll be eager to read your thoughts!

    • Additional note: what I said about the main obstacle to dudes having sex with whomever they want being other men, got me to think. It also reminded me of Tigersault’s post Groundless Fears Men Have About Their Daughters.

      It also reminds me of the old canard about guys being intimidated by beautiful women. We’re not: we’re intimidated by the boyfriend we assume she has, or by the nuclear rejection that would get her a punch in the face if she wasn’t in a male-secured society.

      In my too-many years of being single, I can only think of one girl who really pursued me. She was from my hometown church and I’ve known her since we were kids. To brag for a second: I was a sickeningly good kid. And guess who I got along (and still do, when I see him) with famously? Her dad.

      It makes me think: man, maybe we’re going about this the wrong way. Maybe I ought to be making friends with fathers.

      • donalgraeme says:

        I have done that, to a degree. It only helps if the father did a good job raising his daughter re: marriage. If he dropped the ball (as most have), it falls flat. Just the same as if you make friends with mothers.

    • To write more since it’s my blog and I can do what I want:

      “Culture” generally depicts suitors and fathers as natural enemies.

      But: the culture is full of shit (I tried “corrupt,” “evil,” “rebellious,” but in the end only this worked). It lionizes layabouts looking to get laid. “If a)I can do no wrong, and b)meeting her dad was always a bad experience, then young men and fathers of daughters just must naturally hate each other.” No dude—he was trying to keep her marriageable, and you were bad news.

      Another experience to relate, again with a girl from a church near my hometown. I came home from college one summer and met this girl who’d grown up a few towns away and she was just stupid pretty (like, it was stupid how pretty she was. She wasn’t stupid. She was actually really smart). I took her out a few times and promptly repulsed her with my lack of game.

      Whom do you think she ended up marrying? The son of a couple who were close friends with her parents.

    • A couple more thoughts:

      – I have three brothers and one sister. My brothers and I all think we’re the greatest things since whenever. We probably need to repent of it a bit. But my sister has mentioned before that she finds it hard to date guys because she knows how mercilessly we’d mock them.

      – doesn’t sending girls away to college—in other words, away from the one man guaranteed to a)have her best interests at heart and b) have crazy alpha status in her eyes and therefore have strong influence on what she finds attractive — seem insane when looked at from this angle?

      – I have four single female cousins of marriageable age, all attractive. Who is constantly haranguing me to find guys for them to date? My dad.

      • donalgraeme says:

        doesn’t sending girls away to college—in other words, away from the one man guaranteed to a)have her best interests at heart and b) have crazy alpha status in her eyes and therefore have strong influence on what she finds attractive — seem insane when looked at from this angle?

        Of course it is. But good luck convincing anyone of it.

  2. E. C. says:

    . . . Well, the idea of God as the gatekeeper of marriage is actually something I was thinking about earlier today. Funny how I found this post directly after; this will help continue to solidify my rather vague and nebulous thoughts on the subject.
    As a single woman, I have to say, what I’m looking for in a spouse is someone who can add to my own circle of family and friends instead of subtracting me from it, if that makes sense. Someone who gets along with my father – and my brothers – would definitely be worth getting to know. My brothers have, however, been one of the reasons I don’t really date, because they have scared several of my sisters’ prospects away posthaste by being exactly what you describe – anyone who gets through them must be brave or at least unflappable.
    Also, as someone who didn’t go through the traditional school system, I know very well that it’s entirely possible to continue learning without going away to college, so the prospect has never been all that attractive to me. I live at home for reasons completely unrelated to the above comments, but I see your point and agree with it. A somewhat-related and useful side effect is that I get to learn all the skills my parents can pass down before I have to worry about making it on my own, and I have a place to practice homemaking so that I don’t have to learn it AFTER marriage as all too many women do these days.

    • >a place to practice homemaking

      Man, homemaking gets derided. But homemaking is what life is. We’re born, we live, we die. How do we make that time enjoyable for ourselves and our fellow man? We make houses into homes.

      Make someone happy :).

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