Quick Rule of Thumb

I’m glad to see the beginnings of Donal Graeme’s series on finding the one, and plan on adding my own perspectives as the series progresses.

For now, though, I just wanted to share this one anecdote:

I attend church at what I suppose would be termed a “singles’ ministry” (for those unfamiliar with Dropit, I’m a mid-20’s LDS guy somewhere in the non-Utah U.S.) by mainstream Christianity.  We call them singles’ wards.  They exist mostly to marry us singles off  (They largely fail at that task, for reasons I’ll go into later).

Recently I’ve been thinking about historical cultures, and what we can learn from them that we have forgotten today.  Men seemed to have more…disdain…for women’s opinions, and seemingly didn’t seek to spend a lot of time with them, except for sex.

So, I decided to basically not talk to women in my congregation.

And…it’s been great.  Honestly, it’s awesome.

In the past, why have I spent time talking to women?  Mostly because I either wanted to sleep with them, and I thought spending time talking to them would help me toward that goal, or because I wanted some ego validation.

The first is understandable, but short-sighted: for an LDS guy, sleeping with them would mean I’d have to marry them first.  Was I fit to husband (read: provide for, protect, teach, guide, direct) someone?  Hardly.  I was a wreck, a checked-out student into video game binges.

The second is just stupid and selfish.  Ego validation from women?  Ought we not to fear God rather than (wo)man?

Consider my task as a future husband.  I need to get a career going, I need to have strong doctrinal understanding, and I need to build alliances with other men.  Talking with women helps with pretty much none of these goals.

So I haven’t been doing it.  I talk to the men plenty, and I’ll speak to the entire congregation as a whole given the opportunity, but I really don’t talk with women.

One bonus, unplanned side effect of this is that it is apparently really attractive.   I’d be lying if I said I’m not gratified by this, but it honestly wasn’t the initial motivation.

So to any guy in my situation—low-SMV, not living up to his potential—try it for a few Sundays.  See what kinds of conversations you have with men.  Look at the guys who are always talking to women, and think about if you want to be like them (in my experience they’re either players or betas).

I have to go to bed now.  But seriously, consider trying this.


  1. Deep Strength says:

    Not surprised to hear it’s the same way in LDS churches.

    One of my friends who was a non-Christian had one of his internships in Utah and got converted there. Had previously been on the womanizing side of things. Comes back to the area and enters an LDS church, gets one of the prettiest girls immediately and is married in year or so later.

    I’m not LDS but my church suffers from the same fate basically. 90% of the single females are more than 30 lbs overweight or pushing very obese. Maybe a marriage or two in the past 3 years… considering it’s a church with thousands of members that’s pretty sad. That’s why I never asked any of them out and am looking into other sources for single Christian women. I should probably switch churches.

  2. One option besides leaving is to start your own band of brothers within the church. I need to write more about this; I’m convinced that it’s our best hope.

    1. donalgraeme says:

      Be careful when creating this band that you don’t anger the leaders of your Church. JoJ did just that and got booted out without even a show-trial. But the idea is still solid. My recommendation is to try and get some kind of approval from leadership first, to create some sort of “fellowship.”

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